So yesterday, I had a very nice and amazing experience with God. I felt like I truly understood something He had been trying to get me to see about myself and how to deal with others. It was quite wondrous and sad at the same time. I began to really see others more as God sees them and not as how they try to portray themselves to be. It was freeing and also a heavy feeling. I wanted to help, to give them what I have. I began to see their pressures and fears. I began to feel the panic and desperation of their insecurities and how to live, survive, be. I asked God to help me to be, not someone who is stuck in their own fears and insecurities. I want to be the person who can leave my wants and comforts and desires behind so that I can serve others without me and my need to be loved and validated and approved and liked getting in the way. I don’t want to be that person. I hate being that. And I cannot do anything about that. I am so naturally bound by these insecurities and desperations. I wake up and struggle to fight off the hurts and cries and pleas and lies that come from the depraved core of me. And some days it is all I can do to just cling to the knowledge that God can change me, that He can work through me and accomplish something of true love and service. I find myself lately just praying that I will be confident in Him. I find myself hungering for humility and selflessness. I find that I despise my sinful self more and more and hate the hold that it still seems to have on me at times. All I know is that my only hope, my only refuge is to cling to Him, submit, depend, surrender, rely….worship…serve.
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