The Path that Love Leads

I have been walking a path with God through shame and conversely joy for a little while now. I have been letting him lead me through this difficult journey. Sometimes it’s painful and I withdraw but usually, I participate as he plunders in my heart and soul. I listen as he holds up my thoughts and feelings, actions and behaviors. He holds them up to the light of the gospel and filters them through truth. I must admit sometimes the line between apathy and submission is hard to distinguish. Frankly, sometimes I just stop and refuse to move. But only for a little while. My soul has already tasted the fruit of His joy in my life and I long for more. And other times the pain of an addictive perfectionism is too suffocating to endure alone any longer. I feel as if He is unraveling tangles of misconceptions, lies and then deceits I have bought into. I feel as if he is rescuing me from the prisons I have constructed for myself. Patiently He is walking me through the minefield of the carefully constructed war zone I have allowed existing in my mind. His love is jealous and will not allow me to be hurt and stolen from him, even if I am the perpetrator. Sometimes it feels like we are swimming upstream, against the current of society. It feels as if the surge of the tide of this world is going to pass over me as it crushes me against the shore, breaking my spirit into mere fragments of the beautiful creation He has made. But it’s those moments of joy stolen in the day where I know God is walking with me and relishing those moments of mutual delight that make this difficult path sweet. It’s the safety of intimate confession, the peace of being loved and known and the absolute certainty of the goodness of God that compels me to keep following on this journey.Thank

Thank you, Father, for loving me and caring enough for me to lovingly restore me to wholeness. Thank you, Father, for your patience and never-ending grace that continues to nourish me even when I am a petulant child, ungrateful and spoiled. Continue to love me, change me and save me from myself. Lead me into joy and away from the misery, I find for myself. In your wonderful name, amen.

Please follow and like us:

Prayer of the Ungrateful

Father, you have tenderly loved me and cared for me. You have created and crafted me. You have always known and understood me. Yet I have been terribly blind. I have been the most ungrateful child. Please forgive me.
For over thirty years I have walked in your grace even when I didn’t know you, even when I just thought that I knew you. You began to call me and change me. And still, as your love and mercy continued to flow through my life I was so miserable, hateful and full of resentment. I allowed my fears and insecurities to overwhelm me. I allowed the disappointment of what I didn’t have and who I wasn’t to shape and cloud my vision. Instead of seeing the beautiful gift of life you gave me, I focused on my shortcomings, my failures and the opinions of other imperfect, fearful people. Even when I saw you, even when you revealed your heart to me, I doubted you. Even as my love for you grew, I doubted your love for me. I couldn’t understand how you could see the person I was seeing and still treasure me. All I could see were my failures, my infirmities, and my imperfection. I kept framing my thoughts, my joy around my ability to package this imperfection into the appearance of perfection. (Or at least the acceptable level of imperfection) And I tried so hard to make my hard and hurting heart, my squishy body, my messy house, my poverty stricken spirit fit into the perfect, acceptable, “normal” little bow wrapped box to present to the world. I wanted their approval. I wanted them to say “good job”, to like me, to envy and worship me. I wanted more than what was mine to have. I wanted to be the one that fit in everywhere instead of the one that fit in nowhere. I wanted to feel understood, valued and approved of. But now I see that my mistake was to place my heart in the hands of other imperfect people. I was seeking something you alone can give. There is no right box, no universal mold, no central approval committee. I have wasted so much time squishing this beautiful, organic life you have given me into this rigid square mold of unattainable perfection. I have pushed aside your gifts or tried to hold myself to some rigid idol of what all of this is supposed to look like. I allowed the critics to flood my head and influence my life. I have allowed the opinions, the criticisms of others to be my motivation, my standard, my god. I have looked to the wisdom and opinion of other people, struggling with this same affliction to soothe the shame, the uncertainty of my soul. And I have criticized and nitpicked my life because of the hurtful, critical things they have said. Sadly, most of those things weren’t personal, weren’t really critical, weren’t meant for me at all- just their own desperate attempts to find the same approval, the same healing and freedom that I am looking for.But you, Father, have been so gracious and merciful. You have patiently worked and waited for the moment I would be ready to see you, to know you, to know the truth. You have removed the scales from my eyes and cut the root of the disease in my heart. The blind woman now sees and understands what you have seen all along. You have patiently and lovingly changed my heart and shown me that you truly love and delight in me. I am enough in your eyes. I am beautiful and a treasure to you. You are not waiting or withholding your love, your approval but you have freely given it to me. You have not withdrawn your love or taken it back or even been angry with me all these years when I foolishly told you it was not enough. I refused to believe you and called you a liar. I was critical of my existence, the person and life you created. I was ungrateful for my life and all of the beautiful things you placed around me. You sent friends and family that I missed because I was too busy focusing so narrowly on the imperfections, so intently on how to be perfect, to give the impression of perfection. I have wasted time, hurt others and squandered years of your love for me just so I could look good, look right, fit in, receive applause, receive validation, deflect the shame. I numbed my heart and my mind. I placated myself with food, with words, with looks, possessions and anything else I thought would stem the tide of anxiety,

But you, Father, have been so gracious and merciful. You have patiently worked and waited for the moment I would be ready to see you, to know you, to know the truth. You have removed the scales from my eyes and cut the root of the disease in my heart. The blind woman now sees and understands what you have seen all along. You have patiently and lovingly changed my heart and shown me that you truly love and delight in me. I am enough in your eyes. I am beautiful and a treasure to you. You are not waiting or withholding your love, your approval but you have freely given it to me. You have not withdrawn your love or taken it back or even been angry with me all these years when I foolishly told you it was not enough. I refused to believe you and called you a liar. I was critical of my existence, the person and life you created. I was ungrateful for my life and all of the beautiful things you placed around me. You sent friends and family that I missed because I was too busy focusing so narrowly on the imperfections, so intently on how to be perfect, to give the impression of perfection. I have wasted time, hurt others and squandered years of your love for me just so I could look good, look right, fit in, receive applause, receive validation, deflect the shame. I numbed my heart and my mind. I placated myself with food, with words, with looks, possessions and anything else I thought would stem the tide of anxiety, fear, and shame growing inside of me. I used others as a stepping stone to rise above the stink of my shame, my hurt, the emptiness, the fear of being nobody, of not being special, of being insignificant. Thank

Thank you, Father, for forgiving me. Thank you for ripping back the curtain, for slowly and methodically leading me to the place where I could see you and see myself. Thank you for always loving me, always valuing me and caring enough about me to change me into someone who could love you, treasure you, delight in you.

Please follow and like us:

Needing a Savior

It’s like struggling to breathe against lungs full of water. Selfish and entitled with every thought. I need your grace I need your mercy and forgiveness. I will only seek to make myself known, make myself heard, make myself content, happy and worshiped. I will roll over and seek it like a dog begs for scraps at the table, undiscerning, uncaring from whose plate it falls. Let me Lord feel this call of my flesh as your call to repentance everyday. Let me not see it as a need to find my own righteousness or need to better myself, a tighter control on my morality but as the depraved call of my soul, needing a savior.

Needing you.

Please follow and like us:

It is well.

It will be well.
It is well.
As I see your creation before me, as I take breath after breath you’ve given me,
I know it is well.
The God of creation can care for me.

As I feel your stirrings and whispers from the Holy Spirit within me,
I know it is well.
As I marvel at the mystery of grace and mercy you have shown me,
I know it is well.
You will not leave me and you will always be by my side.
It is well.
Thank you, Jesus,
I am well.

Please follow and like us:

Sick

Tear out this heart. This rancid and rotting flesh. Destroy me until only an empty carcass remains. Rescue me from my evil. Have pity and mercy on this wretch. Please overlook my stench as my sin will surely make you vomit. Have pity on me and release me from my prison. Surely it is better to die, to be crucified in all of its pain than to live in the grips of the weakness of my sinful flesh. I cannot stand to live in this glory stealing, worship seeking soul any longer. The truth of who I am is too great to bear alone. Rescue me.

Falling, Prostate and repentant and ashamed

Living, Forgiven and redeemed and loved

Please follow and like us: